Written by Sam Hearn, COACH Network National Director
“Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. Walk with me and work with me…learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I wont lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Jesus in Matthew 11
Over the summer I’ve been reading and reflecting on the theological and physiological links between grace and trauma. Across COACH Network we know that so many people in our communities have experienced trauma and live with its ongoing impacts each day. That’s true for many of the people doing it tough you walk alongside, and it’s also part of the story of many mentors and spiritual parents. It’s part of my story too, and I’m very conscious that I’m still on a journey discovering fresh and deeper healing through God’s grace.
Trauma trains the nervous system to interpret the world through threat, vigilance, and survival. It primes us to brace, to anticipate harm, to keep ourselves safe by staying “on guard”. Grace is the complete opposite. Grace is the truth that God has created a world (and us within it) where free, good, loving, unearned gifts are constantly being given—and the invitation Jesus says God is giving to all His children is simply to open our hearts and minds to receive them.
In that sense, faith becomes a doorway. Faith is choosing to believe that grace is the greater truth: that I am loved, that love can carry me through what is hard, and that ultimately life triumphs over death, love over hate, and hope over violence.
Athol Gill captured this foundational, defining grace simply in his book Life on the Road: “We aren’t Christians because of who we are or what we’ve done. We are Christians because of who Jesus is and what He has done.”
When we think about grace and trauma together, one of the most practical implications is this: grace creates safety. And safety is where healing can begin.
I have been reading Bessel van der Kolk’s framing in The Body Keeps the Score where he frames this as “Safe Surrender enables Total Relaxation…”. Bringing Jesus and his message into the equation I would say that Unconditional Love and Grace enables Safe Surrender which bring Total Relaxation”.
That line names something we often see up close in mentoring. The work isn’t just about “fixing problems”. It’s about creating relational spaces where the body and spirit can begin to exhale—where someone can drop their shoulders for the first time in a long time, where they can risk telling the truth, where they can be met without judgement.
That connects deeply with something my colleague Mark Matthews wrote a few years back about wholehearted connection. He points out that Brené Brown describes “Whole Hearted Living” as a place of confidence and worthiness that supports a person’s purpose and destiny. Mark then reframes healthy self-regard as learning to see ourselves through God’s eyes—people of worth and value—not as arrogance, but as a truer lens. Why does this matter for our mentoring relationships? Because trauma and abuse so often erode a person’s sense of belonging and self-worth. Mark notes that many who lack confidence are those with traumatic and abusive upbringings, or those who’ve found themselves in harmful family relationships.
So what does grace look like on the ground in day to day relationships?
Often, it looks like a safe, non-judgemental, relational space—consistent, patient, and kind—where vulnerability can be expressed. Mark puts it plainly: “Vulnerability is the starting place of true inner healing.” He also names the barriers: shame and fear can make openness feel dangerous, but acceptance and safety help overcome shame and cultivate vulnerability.
If grace is the opposite of threat, then our call is not to “push” people into change, but to “hold” people in love—so change becomes possible.
Jesus gives us a picture of this kind of love in Matthew 25, and Mark paraphrases it in a way that reads like a mentoring playbook: presence in struggle, empathy with need, practical care, affirmation, reflective companionship, and faithful time given to those who feel isolated.
Henri Nouwen takes us even deeper. He reminds us that the people who mean the most are often those who don’t rush to provide advice or solutions, but who are willing to share our pain and touch our wounds with tenderness—who can stay with us in confusion and grief, and “tolerate not knowing”.
That’s a profound description of grace in human form: steady, compassionate presence that refuses to look away.
To support mentors and spiritual parents in this kind of grace-shaped presence, Mark offers a simple framework: the HEART model—Heartfelt attitude, Empathy, Affirmation, Reflection, and Time.
Each word is an expression of “unforced rhythms of grace” in practice: warmth that communicates unconditional positive regard, empathy that validates feelings, affirmation that names strengths, reflective listening that makes room for silence, and time that says, “you matter.”
And this is where the link between grace and trauma becomes so tangible: as we embody grace, we help create the safety that makes “safe surrender” possible—where a person can stop fighting or fleeing, and begin to heal.
As we step into a new year of loving others and ourselves, here’s a gentle question to carry: who has God placed in your world that needs wholehearted connection?
Mother Teresa’s words still confront and guide us: “Everywhere in the world there are people that are not loved…people that no one will help, people that are pushed away or forgotten.”
May we keep company with Jesus—and, by His grace, help others learn to live a little more freely and lightly.
